Updated: May 30, 2019
Creating the life I've dreamed of after my cancer experience.
We live in a constant state of total stimulation, and admittedly we are trained to move ever faster. I have spent a great deal of time in the last two years meditating on this drive; where it comes from; and if there is a purpose to it. 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I have written on my own personal social media sites about this experience extensively. For some reason, I feel as though I have to filter every experience since cancer and treatment through the experience of cancer and treatment itself. I could go deeply into my cancer journey. I could fill the insatiable need that most people feel when they find out someone has cancer to KNOW EVERYTHING. I could tell you about the good and bad days. Your curiosity on what chemotherapy and radiation is like could be indulged through countless stories from the trenches. I could make you feel sorry for me and my experience. But, I won't. The fact of the matter is:
"Cancer was the greatest teacher of my life."
I don't feel sorry for myself. In fact, in some odd way, I feel grateful for my experience. It opened doors to myself that I didn't know existed. Before my cancer experience, I was a young artist, driven to succeed. If there was an opportunity, it was my mine for the taking. Competition was life, and I was fierce. One of my motto's was, "If you don't want to work a 9-to-5, you better hustle 24/7". I truly believed this. Life then vs. life now couldn't be more contrasting. Old-Christy was a conqueror. New-Christy is a creator.
The Moment That Changed Everything
I really believed that I knew exactly where I was going, but I felt this deep emptiness. However vibrant and chipper I was on the outside, inside I was frequently falling apart. Depression and anxiety were the true, albeit silent, rulers of my life, and I felt much like a pawn. I didn't understand how to heal, and it took almost dying to learn. Cancer, or any trauma really, has a funny way of stopping your life in its tracks. The moment I heard the words, "It is a type of cancer", I felt Old-Christy die. She was just gone, suddenly. All that was left was a shell. A shell that was in the process of dying. Half way through treatment, I had the most powerful experience of my life. It was a particularly beautiful Fall morning. My nurse had just hooked me up with some IV fluids and Gravol. They had just left, and usually at this point, I would lay on the couch and fall asleep for a few hours. This day, as I laid on my side, staring out the window at the trees far in a neighbour's backyard, this voice came to me. It was so soft. It was my own voice, and it said, "If you could do anything you wanted, every afternoon for the rest of your life, something that would make you happy, fulfilled, and full of joy, what would it be?" Instantaneously, I had this vision, which I can only describe as a short movie in my mind, of me sitting in front of an easel, painting next to a window as the sunlight shone in on me. It was amazing. I was so happy. I felt purpose. I felt like I had never felt before. This wave of bliss washed over my very beat-up body. There was no worry of finances present. It never occurred to me if this was possible. I didn't consider the job waiting for me, a job that I loved. I was just totally content for the first time in my life. From that moment on, I knew that I would never be the same. I had a mission. I had no idea how I was going to make this happen, but I WAS GOING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Every moment that I had any energy during treatment after this experience, I spent drawing. I cleaned and reorganized my studio. I realized that although I had to go through this journey of healing, I would do it through art. Art was going to bring me on my first steps into this new life. I was born that day into this new life. New-Christy was manifested, and everyday since I have been on mission to connect more deeply with that voice, which I now recognize as a higher version of myself. I knew that all the years prior, of which I had a totally obsessive interest in educating myself in spirituality, were only the beginning. Now was time for daily practice. Now was time to allow the sacred work to begin to flow through me.
And - it has.
Since dedicating my life to creating spiritual artwork, the quality and activating power of my work has improved. Abundance has come into my life in many unexpected steady streams. Abundance of opportunities, self love and respect, joy, and friendship. Best of all - instead of having to be running, I am now just strolling. I allow the flow of my life to move at a comfortable pace. I work hard when it is required and I rest when I need to. I enjoy living in the moment, and don't bother looking back. I dream about the future, but I don't obsess over it. I am totally content in today. The secret is that when you align with your highest calling your life begins to flow in a satisfying, almost magical way. Finding your highest calling requires you to slow your roll, and be present. You learn to face yourself, and start to recognize the parts that require YOU TO CHANGE. The journey begins with you.
No more pointing the finger out at others. It is time to turn the attention inward. You must face your traumas to heal from them. Healing from them brings you closer and closer to your authentic self. YOU MUST FEEL IT TO HEAL IT.